Monday, July 14, 2014

Worrying. Anxiety. Postpartum Issues?

Jillian says that if you act to avoid the things you fear, what you fear most will manifest itself.  For example, you are worried your guy will leave you.  So you call, text, drop by...get super clingy...and now he is gone.

Carla said that Worrying is like Accidentally Praying for What We Don't Want.  I get that.  Time and energy spent thinking in negatives instead of productive positives.  I totally get that.

I worry.  I'm afraid Ethan will die.  Plain and simple.  And to a lesser extent, I'm afraid something serious will happen to him.  I worry constantly.  Constantly.

And I'm afraid that it will be my fault.

That I won't be able to protect him.  That I won't be able to shelter him.  That I will do something that results in his harm.  That I won't do something that results in his harm.

So -

I am crazy about crib and sleeping arrangements because I am terrified - TERRIFIED - of SIDS.

I accidentally got water in his mouth during bath time and spent a good portion of the night awake to make sure he did not suffer dry drowning.

I am super pro breastfeeding because of the health benefits, it lowers SIDS risk, and boosts immunity for all sorts of things (especially asthma and allergies, with my history).

I am completely pro-vaccine but ALMOST did not want to get his 2 month shots on the off chance "the internet" could be right.  But at the same time, didn't NOT want to get his shots because I am convinced he would get whooping cough.

I researched what age was early enough to get swimming lessons so he can learn to float and save himself (20 months BTW).

I made my parents get re-vaccinated before the baby was born so he wouldn't get sick.

I weaned him off the Swaddle the second I thought he might roll over so he wouldn't get tangled and die.

I sometimes re-latch and re-tighten his carseat belts just to be sure.

I am anxious.  Probably every new mom is anxious.  I think it's normal.  I think I am acting in normal ways that protect my son. I?  Is my level of anxiety ok?  Or is it postpartum depression?  Or another manifestation of my grief over my little brother dying when I was 11?  Or a combination?

I don't know.  And I hope I can work through it. This becoming a mother thing is hard.

**Update** Since writing my thoughts in one spot, and talking to several people, I'm reaching out for an appointment with a therapist to get some tools in my belt to deal with the anxiety.

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